The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby