I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it