@MelodiMoon

The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.

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@kwirkyKerri

I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.

@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@Tmoney68

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@robyn_vo

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

@neiltyson

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

@unibrowbeater

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad