The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.