The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.


Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.


I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.


Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.


The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”


Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?


my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried


Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.