The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS