i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.