the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
your honor my client chooses dare
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
