The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them