Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
The garbage man is late.
I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.
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this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The ducks get even
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Siri, where are my pants?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.