If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i鈥檓 married
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I think something went wrong here?!馃
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 馃敟馃寠馃槑馃寠馃敟
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My Alexa only responds when I鈥檓 shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?