@CanadianCyn

The garbage man is late.

I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

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@Vhalechark

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

@KeetPotato

this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@JoyceCarolTotes

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.