@capnwatsisname: HOST: Make yourself at home! ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

@AndrewChamings: I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@DanMentos: [signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"

@samfromks: *Holds centipede up to your cheek as you're sleeping and whispers* Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet...

@batkaren: "Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence," I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…