The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.

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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.


The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..


Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato


Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip


[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle


People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.


I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’