“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My plans must be so fat they never work out.
The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
%) I love you guys
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’