The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I would like even faster food.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,