Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

satan: not today, microsoft teams

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.