The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza!
911: That’s-


ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes


god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier


Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day


Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us


Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……


Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is


roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do


My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she’s a rapper.