@LocalEmoMom

the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian

You Might Also Like

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@LlamaInaTux

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

@therealeatwood

[Enter Password]

drapes

[Re-enter Password]

carpet

[Error: Passwords must match]

@mommajessiec

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

@ThatMummyLife

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

@ThisLocalHater

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

@candyflippin

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that