The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.


Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter


“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”


7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.


[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??


BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted


Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.


Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.


[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?


Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.