The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?


4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?


Parenthood is wild


What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.


Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.


Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47


Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.



[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.


“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”