Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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4yo: fold me like a towel
4yo: FOLD ME
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”