@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

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@DothTheDoth

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

@SvnSxty

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

@jbillinson

“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”

@Parkerlawyer

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

@Mostly_Cheese

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

@mattbooshell

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

@nealbrennan

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.