@BackrowSeats

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

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@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

@dafloydsta

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

@johnbiehl

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@vvunisalevu

If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.

@WilliamAder

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

@MarfSalvador

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED