*jingles half the way*
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
worst…sale…ever
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw