“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*
If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED