The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

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[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.


[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?


unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”


The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png


“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words


5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.


Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.


if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming


Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
-Dove Resume