The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…