@PoonWhisperer1

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

You Might Also Like

@FrazzleMyGimp

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

@Chumpstring

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

@KeetPotato

unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”

@HavocMantis

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

@pattonoswalt

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

@zachheltzel

Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@rolldiggity

Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
-Dove Resume