The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”