The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

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Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”


Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.


Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.


Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.


wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off


i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is


5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.



5-year-old: Mom?


I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.


Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China


If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.