The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.