An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.