The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
You Might Also Like
who wore it better?
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle