@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

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@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

@markedly

Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride

@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@delasoulless

Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.

@BubblesnBooze

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

@trilldrone

“911 what’s your em-”

STAMPEDE

“slow down sir”

IN THE GORGE

“sir I’m gonna need you t-”

SIMBAS DOWN THERE

@pro_worrier_

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

@Adar79Angie

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*