the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Good morning!
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.