the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Science memes
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Put this video in the Louvre
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs