Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’ve had worse
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead