@adamhess1

The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me

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@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

@ChiefTwittler

Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.

@ojedge

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

@shayf_

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

@MikeCanRant

People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements

@Book_Krazy

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?