Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?