Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
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me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees