The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.