@MaraWilson

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

You Might Also Like

@Eric_Bader

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@daemonic3

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

@That_Matt2

You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..

@ddsmidt

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.