The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

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Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.


Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.


*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”


You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..


Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.


My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.


I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.