The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.