@Mom_Overboard

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

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@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@AlsBoy

Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either

@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@Cheese_Pile

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

@FaisalAdam_

I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

@iamspacegirl

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO