The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?



Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either


Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

Cake recipes..


*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*


7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist


I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad


Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.


I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..


Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.


autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO