Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either
20 pages “accept yourself”
40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO