@ThisLocalHater

The Girl with the Hot Dog Tattoo

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@MrMichaelSpicer

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.