The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!



Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.


They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.


The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.


If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.


[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up


[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
news justin
*justin just sits there*


I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.