I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.