The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.


For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!


dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun


[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?


[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]


It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.


Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.


I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!


[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-


Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….