@IamJackBoot

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

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@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

@raniao2011

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

@HeSlimedMeRay

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

@DiscoFruit

[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

@djdarrellripley

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….