@martinrangel_tx

The glockness monster

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@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@Dr_Dweezil

google glass is going to revolutionize the way america walks into oncoming traffic

@iamspacegirl

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

@WilliamAder

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

@buckweiser13

Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.

@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@chickenmclovin

New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.