The glockness monster
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
spot the difference
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.