The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Cake!!
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text