I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?