[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K