Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Remember not to laugh at your ex wife’s choices. You were one of them.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?