The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.