The Golden Globe goes to…


… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.


[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”


wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam


ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.


[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?


HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo


I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.


“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.