@BGH70

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

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@JoParkerBear

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

@Ristolable

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

@markydoodoo

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@IndecisiveJones

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@NicestHippo

*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward

@SCbchbum

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music