The Golden Globe goes to…


… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

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I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.


“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale


Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.


[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone


I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.


wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece


Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.


*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward


I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.


I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music