Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
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There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.