Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.