@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

You Might Also Like

@thedad

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

@LoveNLunchmeat

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

@jazmasta

Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.

@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

@bornmiserable

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

@verycozy

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

@OhNoSheTwitnt

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

@Donna_McCoy

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

@UnFitz

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

@stevevsninjas

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.