The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed