Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.