[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape