@BadassBarbie11

The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.

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@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@generaldietz

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@Mr_Kapowski

My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me

@dogwoodisbest

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

@RidiculousSheri

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

@astralbr4t

the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am

@NYC_Blonde

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?