*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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Friday
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”