@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

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@UnFitz

Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.

@shariv67

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

@kimtopher22

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

@drankturpentine

HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?

@Mexpeach7

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

@MissNaughty1801

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

@TheCatWhisprer

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

@Steelers1972

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….