The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.