The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

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Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.


My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.


Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok


Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.


HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?


I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out


The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents


The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….