North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm
Doctor: It’s okay, I can fix it
Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too
Doctor: *cocks rifle*
[stops during sex]
If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time
Joseph: around what time
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”