@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

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@TheHyyyype

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

@Browtweaten

Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm

Doctor: It’s okay, I can fix it

Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too

Doctor: *cocks rifle*

@Sassafrantz

[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

@FloodyHippie

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”