@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

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@notacroc

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

@YeahDrewisOn

I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies

@ThugRaccoons

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

@thenatewolf

If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.

@kimtopher22

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.