The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down