the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
…żyje?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.