@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

@PostCultRev

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

@WheelTod

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

@duchesskk

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

@videojame_

how high do bugs fly is there a point where they’re like nevermind

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@shkeeber

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.