The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.


Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite


Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”


Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?


I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.


Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”


“We’ll see” = We’re not gonna see.


I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?