The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

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ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.


“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra


Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well


There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”