@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

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@BradBroaddus

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”

@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

@TitansHomer

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

@AndyAsAdjective

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

@piled

“We’ll see” = We’re not gonna see.

@LazerPunch

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?