The two types of wives
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*