The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.