The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.