The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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