The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Tier 3 meme
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.