Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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– Do you want to have sex?
– Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?
[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today