The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.