@HansGrubertron

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

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@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@samuelhlowe

– Do you want to have sex?
– Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?
– Do……you……want……to……have……sex?

@InternetHippo

[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok

@Midgetspar

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

@robin_991

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@ADHDeanASL

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

@Reverend_Scott

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

@Matt_the_1st

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today